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Adesida Ireti Emmanuel's Friends
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Brooke Fraser - Flags
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Brooke Fraser's "Flags" has been keeping my mood up over the past couple of weeks.I feel like so many things happen over this short period of time, I hardly have time nor energy to look back and reassure myself that I have come a certain way and to remind myself that it doesn't make it cheap because nobody else knows and/or nobody else values it as much as I do. Here is one song that I find quite striking: Who Are We Fooling - Brooke Fraser and Aqualung
So we're back here again Tip-toeing 'round the edge of the end Wondering who will be last to admit That we're finally over
Turned twenty one on the day that we met Terrible shoes and plausible dress It's funny how sad the funny things get as you grow older
Better or worse But what else can we do? And better or worse I am tethered to you If it's not either of us Tell me who are we fooling?
I learned the art of biting my tongue I got tired of trying to guess what was wrong Both agreed on where we should go But not how to get there
We tried and tried to loosen the knots Thinking once we're untangled we'll be better off But it's these failures and faults that hold us together
Better or worse But what else can we do? And better or worse I am tethered to you If it's not either of us Tell me who are we fooling?
This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue It's a beautiful knot that we just can't undo Together we're one but apart tell me Who are we fooling?
'Cause real love Is hard love It's all we have It's a break-neck Train wreck It's all we have
So we're back here again Turning away from the edge of the end Arm in arm
Better or worse But what else can we do? And better or worse I am tethered to you If it's not either of us Tell me who are we fooling?
This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue It's a beautiful knot we just can't undo If it's not either of us, tell me who are we fooling?
Together we're one, but apart tell me Who are we fooling? And FYI, I'm going to play this one day. :P 
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| November 9, 2010 | 6:11 AM |
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Dreamlike - I like it.
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Untitled 2 - Hopes and Fears, Keane (2004) You chewed me up and you spat me out
The foolish boy that I am
So I chose to wander around and around
And make myself a man
I thought the world could be changed by
A good song and a smile
But it's been this way such a long time
So maybe I'm wrong
So long ago it must be
You're still the one that's troubling me
And still so far, so far away
I sat with a tear in my hand on a day so long ago
Inside I am an ogre
With the simple thoughts of a child
I say what I think and I need to be loved
But I guess that's not your style
So long ago it must be
But you're still the one that's troubling me
And still so far, so far away
I sat with a tear in my hand on a day so long ago Walnut Tree - Perfect Symmetry, Keane (2008)
Once there was a great storm
Pushed my head beneath the waves, I was gone
Underneath the walnut tree
Where you said you'd wait for me
And I waited a long, long time I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
Why, why do I come here?
Seeking out the memories I handed
Cause you put your spell on me
Made me live a memory
And I'm frozen in just the wrong time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time 
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| October 3, 2010 | 4:10 AM |
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Mmm.
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Want to get back to this: Something In The Water - Flags, Brooke Fraser (Oct 12, 2010!!)
Do do do do do do do do do do
I wear a demeanor made of bright pretty things What she wears, what she wears, what she wears Birds singing on my shoulder in harmony it seems How they sing, how they sing, how they sing Give me nights of solitude, red wine just a glass or two, Reclined in a hammock on a balmy evening I’ll pretend that it's nothing that's skipping my heart when I think Of you thinking of me babe I'm crazy over you Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! There's something in the water, something in the water Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! There's something in the water that makes me love you like... I got halos made of summer, rhythms made of spring
What she wears, what she wears, what she wears
I got crowds of words I've woven: each one a song to sing
Oh I sing, oh I sing, oh I sing
Give me long days in the sun, preludes to the nights to come
Previews of the mornings laying in all lazy
Give me something fun to do like a life of loving you
Kiss me quick now baby I'm still crazy over you
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
There's something in the water, something in the water
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
There's something in the water that makes me love you like I do
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh x 3
Give me nights of solitude, red wine, just a glass or two
Give me something fun to do...
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
There's something in the water, something in the water
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
There's something in the water that makes me love you like I do
(x 2)
Do do do do do do do do do do
FYI: working on these chords right now... 
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| September 21, 2010 | 6:09 AM |
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Try Again
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So I think maybe I've forgotten how to appreciate things for what they are, maybe because I'm trying so hard to improve, there's some sort of resentment or envy at things that don't change and/or I have no control over. Maybe I stopped appreciating things because I didn't feel appreciated. "Try Again" - Under The Iron Sea, Keane (2006)
I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow
Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time
What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can
Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time
But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting
God I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out
Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time Technorati Tags : Cherrieland
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| September 11, 2010 | 8:09 AM |
| August 27, 2010 | 11:08 AM |
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Black Burning Heart
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Keane. Black Burning Heart. Perfect Symmetry 2008. I wish that I could be
In the cellars of the sea
And disappear in them
Never to be seen again
Leave this life
Its unrelenting appetite
For feeding off the weak
Who never had their time to speak
The sky will be my shroud
A monument of cloud
If we could turn back
You can paper over the crack
But it will return now
And your heart will burn black
Give me your hand
Cut the skin, let me in
The molecules of us
Bleeding into one again
The sky will be my shroud
A cenotaph of cloud
If we could turn back
You can paper over the crack
But it will return now
And your heart will burn black
Forgotten my way home
Forgotten everything that I know
Every day a false start
And it burns my heart I know everything you said was right and I suppose
Everything is here forever till it goes
You gave it all away, kept nothing for yourself
Just a picture on the shelf
Je souhaiterai m'immerger dans les profondeurs des mers
Y disparaî tre pour ne plus jamais être vu
Burning up
Now I'm racing down a road I don't recognise
I realise I've forgotten my way home
Forgotten everything that I know
Every day a false start
And it burns my heart Turn back ---- Also just read this: Dying GP's Plea for Euthanasia [article] 
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If...
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If I feel depressed I will sing. If I feel sad I will laugh. If I feel ill I will double my labour. If I feel fear I will plunge ahead. If I feel inferior I will wear new garments. If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice. If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent I will think of past success. If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals. Today I will be the master of my emotions. 
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Snippets from Today
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With the same spirit as Overheard @ University of Auckland, I report part of a conversation I overheard in the tea-room 1: A: How’s your project?
B: Hm... experiments aren’t really working... just generating data, you know.
A: ...mmm... sooo, are you changing directions, in terms of like... your project? WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Did you know that there’s a group called The Asian Network Inc. (TANI)? I’m still not really sure about these race-specific entities (organisations?) established in the name of representation (democracy?). Does this entity need to relate to you, so that they understand you (ahem, they probably need to be Asian, for starters)? But then aren’t you really highlighting that nobody gives a damn about you unless (a) it’s their job and (b) they can relate to you, but (b) only works if they are like you, but nobody (or entity) is really like you, especially one that tries to be like the whole of Asia, so basically, these sorts of entities actually just break up information into semi-arbitrary groups and then people “out there” never really see information holistically? I mean, one of their recent endeavours is to tell “Asians” how they are predisposed to heart disease - but it’d be sort of good to know how that compares with other genotypes and various genotypes with different diets and lifestyles and also the variability within these groups and... oh, nevermind, you’ve stopped reading.
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Articles From Around the InterwebsOtago scientists “recreate” human face from 2500 y.o. bones [ article/video]. I’m not really interested in that story, but I want to know where I can find information about just how much information about flesh you can gather from bones. What do you call that?Anthropology?... But hey, there’s a fellow '06 Biomeder in the video. :P Boy, oh boy, multifactedness!!! [ article]. Honestly, is that a word? Solar-powered aeroplane + interesting comments. [ article] New service for people with eating disorders [ article]. I was going to say how annoying it was that this article tells you nothing useful, but then I realised it’s Newstalk ZB, so its site just provides snippets, not articles, right? So, deviating from my usual rant about the deterioration 2 of news reporting/writing, I will say that Google News shouldn’t index Newstalk ZB. On a related note - notice how Google search results have become more trashy and irrelevant? Will post an example soon... Child abuse leads to mental disorders [ article]. Apart from that it’s re-stating common belief without any proof, don’t you think psychoses are being sold like... I dunno, IQ scores and other socially-enforced labels? (sorry, I'm reading The Mismeasure of Man atm) The Social Network [ movie trailer]. Are they serious? Kevin Spacey is the producer and he reckons it'd be funnier than people expect 3?
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Random ThoughtsI want to replenish my lab-candy stash. I need to exercise. I'm getting fat. Wouldn’t it be interesting to record my stream of consciousness for a day? Not today. I still need some new shoes, regardless of how comfortable walking around in running shoes is.
Nowadays when people ask how long it'll be until I finish "studying", I am overly-sensitive to their mild (if existent) tone of why-are-you-still-studying? Now, they don't know me and so I don't really care, but I do sometimes feel that it is something wrong with me that I've taken so long to accept (i.e. more than just realise, but to understand) some things - like, it's okay to have my own ideas and to put them out there, that people around me don't have the answers already and that this process (if done well) is/can be more humility- and curiosity-driven, not purely ego-driven. It's sort of like I had this set of ideals at the beginning and then somehow, seeing/experiencing new things put me into defence/scared mode questioning my own beliefs, motives, philosophies... and I've come back almost all the way around, but not quite because it's like I'm in a different place/plane now and am almost the same, but not quite.
It's freaking cold in Auckland, right now! ---
Nike Reuse A ShoeNike is collecting old trainers and selling you new trainers at a discounted price. This service is now available in NZ, at Nike Platinum stores. I didn’t know about this until today and I don’t know if it’s useful or controversial or what. I’m just putting it out there.
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Langendorff Hearts
So, I Googled “Langendorff heart perfusion” and stumbled upon:
**Speechless** But one idea from this - I will now be able to put my washing weigh boat directly beneath the cannula, which might shorten my time, though the dripping might hinder my finding of the aorta if the initial dissection wasn’t very good.
Then I clicked this, because I thought maybe I would see a commercially-sold system:
Then I saw this:
What the hell is Luck’s solution? Is that a joke? . . . then I discovered a mine-field of cardiac physiology videos on Youtube. . . . Your next BSc (Physiology), University of Youtube. It’s all there in text, audio, video, animation... and I’m sure if you looked hard enough there’d be a play somewhere. Well, if there isn’t a play, at least there’s this Professorial dance: John C. Grammer. And damn, there’s a music video featuring the cardiac myocyte techno-dance group.
Makes me feel slightly better about what I try to aim for, but then I'm not really sure why my voltage-clamping success rate is so low - I mean, there was a time when I was patching continuously throughout the day - I guess it could be a combination of skill and slight differences in setup and enzymatic digestion.
Footnotes
1 I am finding ways to make good of a bad situation - open offices, a tea room shared by effectively 3 floors, a toilet that takes me 6 to 8 door openings and a flight of stairs to get to. I’m surprised the toilet cubicals don’t have swipe card access. They can monitor that, too. May it please the court. >:)
2 Or I'm getting older.
3 According to Wikipedia, which cites MTV. Funny how social gossip can now be referenced like it's scholarly. Tea hea.
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Mid-Year Review
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God, yesterday I clicked "Publish Post" instead of "Save Now", so a semi-edited post appeared in readers all over the globe! *gasp* Well, it's okay because (1) I know how many subscribers I have and I'm sure half of them are from my previous testing of various RSS readers, while the other half are bots, (2) I doubt anything is offensive, maybe except the length and grammar/punctuation errors. Anyway, FYI, I have several posts stored in "draft" that I don't intend to "publish" and this was going to be one of those. But, since it went out, it might as well stay out in case some poor soul out there is panicking about whether or not I "un"-published it for other reasons. And also, what the hell, who gives a shit? Maybe someone out there wants to read about ME. Bafflement. *** resolutions *** June, 2010 and the resolution I am excelling at is practising playing the guitar on a regular basis. The learning is straight-forward, as it is just memorising where your fingers go, a rhythm and practising it so that you don't have to think about it consciously any more. As that begins to happen, you can start singing along, which is enjoyable. Over time, the fingers in your left hand increase in strength and form callouses at the tips, while your right hand/arm relaxes during strumming and your ear becomes better tuned. For some reason, my sitting position renders my left leg numb after an hour of practising. Wrt sleeping, I am almost always in bed by 11:30 p.m. (improvement from last year), but sleep has not been easy. I definitely do not get up at 6 a.m. In fact, I find it difficult to get up. I think this pattern was worst after Beijing/Kyoto* (I am not sure why I found so many things during that trip upsetting), but the past 3 nights or so have been quite good, as in, I feel warm and comfy and wake up about 20 mins before my alarm. I am still playing catch-up and I still wake-up in the middle of the night, but the warm, rested feeling is there, which is good. :) I am completing the Run Auckland Series, but I am not exercising twice a week and likely, less than once a week, when you take into account the weekends I spent finishing a poster, entertaining family, overseas (though I ran in Beijing) or bashing my head against the lab wall/bench (not many as last year, I must admit). I am no longer driving on a regular basis. I stopped biting my nails for months, but have started again. iPod-listening is back to baseline. But next week, I'll try to stop again. I have stopped Twittering since May 5 (with the exception of one post promoting my sister). Apparently, I still feel the need to express myself on the evil Facebook, though I might have at least halved my activity. The goal is still to stop the nonsense completely (except for at home, although technically, that is wasting time, too). One strategy I have is keeping a paper and my lit. review open, so I have something to do when I forget I am not idle (i.e. procrastinate). I am not sure why I Fb, since 90% of the stuff is completely useless to me, but I guess sometimes I will write something and wait for people to comment. I guess if I make more of an effort in my real social life, I won't feel the need to be social online. well, apparently talking and hugs will boost my oxytocin. Why don't they make that in a pill or a morning omelette? Honestly. *** blogging *** Well, you may have noticed (or not) that I hadn't blogged in 3 months. Well, I avoided it, because I was: - embarrassed about my stupid/repetitive thoughts
- worried it contributed to my "over-thinking" by giving me a medium to dwell and a reason to analyse
- worried that it would divert time from the Ph.D. and/or sleep
- worried it was removing any motivation to talk to real people
- too angry/sad/tired about most things and didn't know how to express it
- actually keeping busy with guitar/painting/reading/writing/etc./etc.
But you know what? It's one of my outlets and it sort of works (minus the oxytocin thing). *** anger/sadness *** The problem: I am often angry/irritable and sad/easily-upset. The approach: - Find out what is causing these feelings: (a) external stimulus, (b) internal reaction; and/or
- Find practical strategies to avoid these feelings: e.g. (a) assertive response, (b) compassion
I guess (1) is "why" (and a psychological black hole), while (2) is "how". I tend to think (2) is more important and harder (refer Resolutions above), while (1) is sort of easy in that you can invoke almost anything and rationalise it and you can go on forever down that psychological spiral of "causation" and not derive anything useful (see below). But you can use (1) to guide (2), I suppose. (1) No cause, no problem: Is this even a problem? Maybe this is normal (part of life). Maybe I create the anger and sadness as excuses not to try harder. (2) PhD/Science: I should know that it would be hard: experiments are tough, thought even tougher and scientists the toughest. I should know, but maybe I didn't know and getting to know is disrupting the framework in my brain. Experiments - I find it frustrating that I've had recurring problems, some of which I still cannot fix by myself. Sometimes I feel it is beyond my control, but I believe that it. is. my. fault. Responsibility causes me to strive and stress, but I feel that at some point, I will conclude I have no aptitude and to stop wasting everybody's time. However, I also believe that if you can motivate yourself to keep trying, you will get it. Knowledge - I find it frustrating I don't know a lot of things about materials, or electronic circuitry or chemistry kinetics or physics of diffusion or differential calculus or why if men have such good spatial skills they still pee over the toilet seat. I mean, some of that stuff I have tried to understand on numerous occasions, but I don't know why it doesn't stick. It used to because I can see the forms of these things and they are reminiscent of things I have understood before - but why not now? Or have I never understood? Problem-solving - sometimes I think I am problem-solving in clever ways, other times I don't. Usually the latter are in the lab. Motivation/mood management - I've always been described as a self-motivated person, but I am finding this a bit difficult. I am not sure why, as I have crashed before. But I am in a different place, with different people and I am different, too. Scientists - People who try to be as objective and critical as they can, but are actually human beings. Therefore, they use the same tricks that all other humans use to keep the positive mentality necessary for survival (e.g. maintaining a postive self-image, cognitive dissonance, compassion, etc.). However, these strategies are not objective and not critical of oneself. How do they separate these things in their brains? How does one create a distance to their feelings, but remain compassionate? The end point - Presently, I cannot see myself completing this Ph.D. without a lot of help, though it will be completed. But I don't want to be a struggling scientist - sure, hard-working - but not struggling simply because I'm not very good and/or I don't have enough confidence. I want to be excited/nervous about a chance to try, not dread that something will go wrong. I think it would be wise to make that call honestly - what your chances are in this profession - that includes your skills/IQ and emotional maturity. I still think being a scientist is the coolest thing - you are able to try to understand/test so many things and even outside the lab, you can understand what people are on about without breaking a sweat! Science/Academia - A friend once told me that achievement is knowing that you did your best, while success is being acknowledged for it. The latter is nice, but not necessary. That actually isn't true, because you need to be recognised for your work (publication/citation/promotion), otherwise, you will sink. I think you are given a number of chances to prove yourself (Post-docs) and if you don't, you will really struggle to further. I don't know what your options are, then - technician? industry? teaching? To start again elsewhere in your late 30's? (3) Adulthood: Maybe the oestrogens have crashed my brain (spatial ability/logic, etc.) or maybe it's just promoting that thing on my priority list (i.e. find man, make babies|a.k.a. fall in love, start a family). I mean, sometimes I worry that I am behind on that race (as in, maybe I should think about putting on running shoes and maybe making my way to the starting line), but at the end of the day, I do meet new people on a semi-regular basis and they don't run away screaming. So, I figure it's okay to just wait until I meet someone I like and trust. Sure, right now I'm not the most fun person to be around, but then again I've never been more stressed (amplitude and duration), so they can take it or leave it. The part that worries me a little more is my inability to open up to people, but then XYZ was saying that really you shouldn't say much to anybody except your lover. I guess everybody has their way. (4) Depression: Maybe the over-active sympathetic drive has crashed my brain. I think adrenalin dampens neurogenesis. Does it? But mild trauma promotes it. Knock-out studies, right? :P For the record, I still don't think I'm depressed. Perhaps lacking in motivation. Not the same. (5) Events: Continual input, not enough resources to process. Some are: How do people motivate themselves? XYZ x 2 are always able to bounce back from disappointments. Do they have a(n unrealistic) belief in themselves or are they just that good in self-motivation or do they utilise their support network effectively?
How can people be so hypocritical and narrow-minded? XYZ always asks for XYZ's help, but then complains about it to other people. Where's the gratitude, man? Why is it that some people are always so comfortable with asking for help? People always leave people hanging - is it a power issue or selfishness issue? How is it that people are so positively-deluded? They say believe they are one thing, but are not. They place judgements on others that they have not placed on themselves. They have analysed one thing in someone else's situation, but cannot see the similarity in their's. Why is it that people listen to their own idea about you, but not you?
Does everyone actually have low self-esteem? Why is it that people don't really tell the truth or open up? It annoys me how some people can say things just to be agreeable, but on the other hand, it's annoying when people don't know the correct time/place to address conflicts. Some people hide behind veils. A good example is specialisation - some people use that to "justify" an ignorance that is perhaps due to laziness.
And I could fit all or some of the above. I don't know. Do I? Do I lie to myself, for example, not admitting that perhaps I like the idea of Science, but not the real thing?
But 99% of XYZs I meet are nice, caring people and generally, my interactions with people are positive (i.e. the characteristics above just are, they don't mean you're not a good person). I hope I'm good and that people don't get annoyed with contradictions or uncertainties over where I stand wrt to loyalty, effort, etc. But I know they do. *sigh* I don't know. All I know is, every-time something happens, I ask questions in my head, there are no answers and I don't know. Obviously, I cannot go into details here, even if I remove names. But on so many occasions, I want to replay the incident or conversation and ask someone, "what just happened? why? why did they say that? how should I have reacted to that?" because my range of knowledge/understanding is so small, my reactions are lumped into yay! grr. wahh. aww. argh!
But I mean, it's good in that they give me something to re-adjust my "framework". It was getting a bit old and repetitive (dogmatic?), so I'm at least having to think of different shades of the original main ideas to explain the new things I am seeing. I suppose that is quite entertaining. But honestly, thought should go into scientific problems, not these child-like philosophical problems about life and human nature! Those things are boring (subjective)!!!
The conclusion: Just keep going, but keep trying to not-stress and to find ways of expressing myself clearly. You may think that this is a meaningless solution, but I think this exercise helped me arrive at that and not something else that is more pathetic. So, don't judge me!
***Beijing/Kyoto***
So, did you know I went to BEIJING and KYOTO?! I find it slightly weird to talk about because I haven't achieved enough to deserve it. But, met lots of interesting people, saw lots of interesting things and had lots of thought-provoking conversations. ISHR is so different to Biophysics! I won't even try to summarise it, because frankly I haven't resolved all of them in my head (hence, bad sleep I guess) and it would be quite a large chapter. There were quite a few times when I got the hint that I was being a bit too intense and maybe not sensitive enough to other people's feelings. :S :( *stabs stomach* But I got to present a poster, which was uber fun and made me feel better that I was doing more to "earn" the trip. 
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SFO: Gonna Keep This Superficial
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Scientific Meeting: 20/02/2010 - 24/02/2010 ~ 9:30 pm Monday 01/03/2010 Basically, I have kept it superficial because even though I am FULL of thoughts and feelings from SFO, I (1) am tired and (2) really just want to get into thinking about the Ph.D. stuff. Nerd me up. But I have to be wary of being too impatient - I must be thoughtful and careful. I must ration my motivation and energy. I will also trust that my brain will work on these new inputs sub-consciously.
~ 5:30 am Sunday 28/02/2010
Exhausted. Long days and nights, but the advantage is you get extremely good sleep. I love hotel beds - they are big and comfy. I discovered a new position to enable sleep on planes - IM me for details, other 1.52 m persons! Lonely. Got attached to company after ~24/7 of it. Always surprises me that I don't miss solitude as much as I think I will. Sure, perhaps I will or get annoyed with people after a longer period, but going home by myself and seeing everybody else eagerly return to their families/significant other makes me feel a bit weird - as if you hit a weak spot in glass and it quivers a little and your perception through it changes a bit. Maybe I want to be on the other side of this glass. Maybe I'm not an alien after-all. I think these feelings are getting stronger with age (biology) and as people around you become less single. I guess I am starting to understand it - this intimacy thing - it's not wanting to be with someone, it's wanting to not be with no-one, it's not finding the one, it's taking the best one at that time and eventually you stop looking and there, you have settled. It's like dust particles with electrostatic forces. Or something. Excited. So many interesting conversations - with new people and with people within the lab. Wow, wouldn't it be amazing if I could do all of these things? Wouldn't it be amazing if these compliments were true? Maybe I should just take the motivation and run with it ... but I still hope they mean it. Some interesting comments on my poster and also on other people's work. Some interesting ways people deal with new information. Interesting ways people debate scientific problems. Interesting ways people show their enthusiasm for their work/field, which I guess is a reflection of their understand of Science and how it contributes to the wider ... well, world, I guess. I don't know if thinking about this stuff is dumb, you know?? Is it stupid? Is it a waste of time??
Liver. Needs recovery time. Enough said. =S I should probably dance more. I like that 60's stuff, hip-hop and to some extent, ballroom. One day.
Scientist. Putting "Scientist" in the occupation field of MC's arrival card made me giggle because it was as if someone put "Superman" in there. It's just so surreal to me - a REAL scientist? REALLY!? I am in the world of Science now? I am in the same room as people who wrestle knowledge? Ooh, me! Me!!! Prepare me for the ring!!!
Young Turk. A revisited term (I had forgotten what it meant). I don't know if that's a compliment or criticism. Guess it depends on whether you think the action/behaviour is progressive or trouble-making. Hm. It's like the struggle between being different and wanting to be accepted/belong... questioning authority and keeping status quo because there is no reason for it not to. But not good for that whole loneliness thing - being different AND questioning authority. The masses don't like that, no. But then who said I would feel less alone among the masses?
I keep asking for approval, though. That doesn't sound like a rebel to me. San Francisco. I really like the way the city is laid out. I like the art scene. I like the waterfront (always been in cities with harbours). I like the "architecture". I enjoyed going to the Museum of Modern Art. I wonder what other people think/feel when they perceive those same pieces? I wonder what the artist was thinking? The city centre feels so prosperous, yet on the way to Montgomery St. Station on the BART, we passed by a lot of different suburbs (and even down the other end of Market St. was getting a bit of varied [one of these rare occasions where a chinese adjective comes into my head and no English version appears])... Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Conference, Life, San Francisco 
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Open
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 Listening to Under the Iron Sea by Keane. Brilliant stuff, imho. I'm so obsessive. Just look at the way I listen to music.
I wonder if I need more idle brain time? Or am I not thinking enough?
I've had some rest this long Auckland Anniversary (wow, that was 2006?) weekend, so now I can recap last week with a bit of perspective. Being the silly fool that I am, I did not realise (again) that I was very tired. Not only does this affect me and my work, it affects others, too, which I am very sorry about. But I keep getting lack of motivation and being tired confused, which is troublesome because they have opposing remedies. Hmph. But why, though? Am I iron-deficient or is this a sign of ageing? Or am I a hypochondriac?
Walking Dotted Curves  Well, I have been trying to summarise a small body of work for this poster and last week I was also trying to summarise what I have done for the past year. The problem is that I still don't see the complete picture very clearly and this perturbs my "goal-oriented" personality, even when I know that most people don't until they have finished writing. But I have just realised that for almost everything (the day, the week, my life ahead), I draw a conceptual, tentative roadmap without much conscious thought and start breaking it down into small doable steps. Science is not like that, no matter what people say. Well, it hasn't been for me. I think you start off with a very big vague destination that doesn't give much information about your actual final endpoint. It's like saying you will go to the Northern Hemisphere - but where? You know you will probably use various modes of transportation, but which is best and in which order? Have people travelled that way before? Here you are doing experiments that are like unveiling stepping stones, but not necessarily in the order that they should be stepped - it's up to you to pave a feasible path of progress or relevance. And you have to do this without feeling that the path you have designed is contrived - I find that difficult, though ultimately it will be an Achille's Heel. It is strange because I have no problem doing it everday (just read this blog, for e.g.) - I am always bullshitting (in the nicest way) about life (or whatever) to fit into various theories or crossing ideas from one discipline to another - but I only feel comfortable doing that because I know it's silly - nobody is ever going to give it a second thought. For some reason, I think that my thesis shouldn't be silly (despite the fact that nobody is going to read that either, but people might read the papers). Why do I think everything I do is stupid and silly? But I get that by doing a little by little, you will get the whole thing done. I have no issue with delayed gratification and persistence. In fact, I remember saying that to someone in 5th form, when they asked me how I managed to finish my Art portfolio with such apparent ease on top of everything else. I was very matter-of-fact and said that I simply worked on it everyday out of class. I would set up my work book or panel when I got home so I could work on it whenever I felt like, which turned out to be often. But the portfolio was only one year's work, it involved very much less analysis (observation/intepretation, experimentation of concepts and skills and refinement/choice of techniques and compositions and some study of previous works, etc.) and the big picture was pretty much given since we had limited still life resources. I think the big difference is that I was somewhat secure in my ability to draw, paint and compose, which was reinforced in my teachers' and peers' body language. I would like to say their words, but I honestly only remember the look of delight or pleasure in their eyes when absorbing my shapes and colours - and I could see that they were MY shapes and colours, because despite having the same subject matter, each person in the class produced very different works. But I think the security gave me the freedom to be more adventurous and therefore, progressive. Now I understand why some people never tried at school. Another trait I have to manipulate is my need for completeness. I think it shows through in - learning - I will convince myself I don't understand it at all until I believe I understand it 'all' - the trick is to segment learning into sublevels of completeness, because really I will never understand it all. Trouble is, the world of knowledge and discoveries aren't nicely packaged into curricula for me, anymore. Deal with it, C!
- conversations - I always try to answer a question completely, although in recent times I have realised when to STOP TALKING (sometimes)
- perfectionism - I will argue it's for completeness, not perfection (coz. I think perfection is relative, so that sort of makes it a "standard", rather than perfection). However, most people will tell you I'm a perfectionist, despite my trying to explain that I'm only striving for a certain standard that I set myself.
Anyway, BC already told me 6 years ago I had to let that completeness thing go. *Sigh* Adults know so much more than I thought they knew at the time. How embarrassing. Progress And Happiness I should confess that I got a bit upset on Thurs when MC asked about "progress" and "happiness", which unfortunately provoke feelings of confusion and nausea these days. Anyway, I was frustrated and stressed (and actually tired, but I only realised that when he pointed it out) and trying to de-frustrate by doing some analysis (I know, seems a bit of an oxymoron) when he came in to ask whether I had made any progress since the last time we had spoken. I stupidly (in the emotional way that I do these days) said I had made no progress, which even I will admit isn't true and I think it was sort of rude/defiant to say that... Anyway, I don't know how it happened, but as he was critiquing my work (I am sure, in a constructive way), I just kept hearing you-do-not-have-the-skills-nor-emotional-maturity-required-for-this and I was trying to breathe deeply (parasympathetic burst), but it didn't work and a very small volume of tears formed. ACK ACK ACK, Cherrie! ACK. I feel like I have very little control over my emotions these days, not because my filters between feeling and behaviour are disarmed, but rather the feelings are fighting IN FORCE. I do think sleep will help in that regard, but I also think I need to learn better ways to deal with these strong feelings. I guess that is what the other students did and once they get that sort of sussed, they can progress in their work. I guess that is why you can't rush a PhD, because you can't really dictate emotional development. Patience is a virtue. I don't understand why I feel that no other PhD person can relate to me or understand what I am feeling, but that's how I feel about it. Anyway, MC asked me, "do you want to quit?" and that made me more upset because even though I want these bad feelings to end, I know that if I quit, these feelings of self-hate will magnify. I will not face a Cherrie that quits anything because of a few tears and blue days. But another point is that I am so low in confidence right now that if I quit, I know I will have no confidence in doing anything else either (I will brood). Sure, over time, I may learn to get over it, but there will never be any closure (completeness?!). Thus, quitting is not the sensible thing to do. One thing I don't understand is how I can be doing OK if I am not engaging with my data. That appears to be a contradiction. I feel bad that MC has to deal with this, of course. I strongly believe that it is not his responsibility to hold my hand, even though it might be necessary. So I'm grateful. According to LR, the (ex?)-anatomy students/crowd have an opinion about me and my PhD, even though I don't even know most of them. I wish I had that sort of respect for myself, though I suspect it is more a reflection of their opinion of my supervisors, rather than a real opinion of me. Still makes me a bit puzzled why supposed scientists would make such assumptions about any of us, though. Egocentricity You know, before I started research, most of my blog entries were about STUFF. Not about me. Now it's just always about me. No wonder nobody reads this anymore. Oooh, something not related to me, strictly: Interesting: Ogori and Generosity (social experiment in business)
New words: hubris and prosaicTalk I am still surprised that when people want to talk about their problems, they have all the time in the world, but when I am requesting for some assistance, there is no-one around. Sure, maybe I'm not being very obvious. Oh well, who cares. I find it odd that I have 480 FB friends and can still only have one person to call when I'm stuck at Pukekohe needing contact lenses. I mean, yeah that's a meaningless comparison because being FB friend doesn't mean much, but people seem to enjoy meaningless numbers when they don't actually appreciate what they don't mean. What a cynical charmer. ;)
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| February 1, 2010 | 2:02 AM |
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9 Days Of January 2010
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 Friday
Headed off to camp, met TR's brother's family on the way, found out about RM's sad news. :( |
 Monday
Coincidentally, it has been exactly 3 years since DP's death. I must say that day to day, I understand more and more of the conversations we had and his opinions. I am unsure whether this is a sign I'm getting a bit blue in my old age or whether he was light-years ahead of me in his power of observation. To think that I was so dismissive of his opinions back then and so adamant that his pessimistic views were wrong. It still unnerves me to remember that he said he talked to me to "sharpen the knife". I took it to mean his mind at the time, but for 3 years now it could have meant something else. I wonder what he would say if he saw me now. I bet he would know exactly what to say. I did wonder whether or not I should tell RM, but I think it would be intrusive of me. He didn't tell me what had happened, TR did. So. And just because of this experience (and others) with suicide doesn't mean I am a better listener or in a better position to comfort him. |
 Friday Back from camp: EXHAUSTED. Did not go to after-party... probably should have, but I was way too tired to pretend that drunken people don't scare me. Camp was good - I enjoy playing with children, making them laugh, showing them "cool" things and encouraging/supporting them in the things they do. However, I did not expect to be thrust into high-school again - where girls are secretive, superficial ("hot list", anyone?), deceptive, temperamental... and I couldn't walk away like I usually do. In that way, I feel that I am not an appropriate senior companion: I'm just not that hyper-social person that most girls are and/or want to be. The most shocking thing (though I suppose I should have expected it), was my camper's argumentative and defiant attitude towards me (and no-one else). I suppose I became some sort of parental figure and therefore someone to be disposed of at every chance. I suppose I wasn't completely angelic towards my parents when I was 13/14 (I think I was very irritable, moody and thought my parents didn't know anything), but I hope I didn't negate everything they said, nor reject them in petty/hurtful ways. I suppose I did. But at least I wasn't superficial, discriminatory nor deceptive. God, I do apologise to my parents. It must have been awful. In my defence, I had convinced myself they didn't love me (don't ask, I don't know). Anyway, it was tiring to (a) feel alienation like that again and (b) keep trying to please while being repeatedly rejected. You'd think I'd be used to feeling alienated and rejected. Ironic. It was interesting though, to get into the minds of this range of teenage girls (and companions to some extent), since I seem to have completely foregone that stage. That's the thing, you see - I don't judge it all. It's probably a fundamental part of the emotional and social maturation. I really missed the children and the noise today. I love how at camp, you can look up at any moment and see an adult entertaining a child and the child filled with glee. I managed to have a few good conversations with some of the other companions and one of the campers (who was older and was beginning to take an interest in philosophical thoughts - that's a domain I'm comfortable in, yo :P). I also really enjoyed observing a young girl who had DS. I had looked after her before and still find her fascinating. I don't know if she recognised me this camp, but she likes to stare at me - I wonder what she is thinking? She actually learns very quickly and understands instructions if given in a clear and concise way. She has ways of communicating with herself that are evident if you watch closely. For example, one afternoon she had a sheet of Sponge Bob stickers. After giving one sticker to each of her companions, she set about going through each sticker, imitating each cartoon character - she seemed fully entertained and quite aware that nobody else was playing with her, as if she was used to making up and playing her own game. She did not even notice when I imitated her from across the table (most other kids do, as they usually look up to see who is watching them). After that game, she then began to count the rows of stickers. At first, I thought she was only counting the sets of four, but then realised that she actually counted up to 15 (all of the stickers). I don't even know if that is amazing for her or not, but it certainly amazed me.One thing I found a bit disconcerting was the number of people trying to "pick up" at camp. I mean, it's actually a bit embarrassing to have to think of reasons to escape the "conversation" and especially when other companions/campers notice something odd going on. What a hassle that was, especially when you know the pursuer in question is actually just fishing. I'm glad that MC highlighted for me the difference between flattery and compliments. But on the other hand, I loved seeing the dedication of some of the other companions, especially those veterans who had been there for a few camps and don't even give a second's thought to the good they are doing. They are habituated good-doers. What an outstanding state of being. When they are acknowledged, they shed a rare tear, as if they are surprised at their own capabilities and achievements. Amazing. I think it's funny that SS joked (?) that I am never impressed, when in actual fact, people/things are making impressions on me continuously. But I'm like a black hole, it's hard to see into me. I think those guys think I'm emotionless (and a myriad of other derogatory terms), which may be true, I'm not sure. I just remind myself that this is my PhD self... they have never seen me in any other way. |
 Sunday Tomorrow is ND's picnic since he is back in NZ for a brief time. It should be good to catch up with him and to get together with everyone.
| Overview I don't know who I can trust anymore. There are many people around and yet I feel like there is no-one to talk to. It's weird, eh. I feel like I should learn to get through all of these moods on my own, because people always seem to leave in the end. But I want 2010 to be an awesome year! I am inspired by the many talented and warm-hearted children I've seen in the past week. And I'm still going to trust, because someone has to give - it might as well be me. I have to trust my instincts more, because I always seem to find out (even if much later) that they had been right all along. |
Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life |
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| January 23, 2010 | 4:01 AM |
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New Deep
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Resolutions Super fail at the sleep one. I listen to the iPod less (e.g. I definitely don't listen to it on the way to work, as to let my mind "wake up"). I practised the guitar once this week, went for a run, did some stretches/push-ups, reduced FB at work (but I don't know how to block it)... I'm no longer losing weight and I am not as angry! I think I was really pleased with one week at work with no interruptions and just some solid thinking going on... but then last week was back to people/distractions everywhere + experiments, so I feel a little frazzled again. I dunno. Keane  I other notes, I absolutely LOVE "Hopes and Fears" by Keane (for some reason I only have 8 of the songs). Just love it. I can barely breathe when it's playing. :) I especially love, "Somewhere Only We Know", "Bend and Break", "We Might As Well Be Strangers", "Everybody's Changing" and "Sunshine" (I haven't checked these vids, I hope they are OK). I just LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I wish I could buy stuff off Amazon UK, because their albums are only 5 GBP! I also started listening to Muse and I quite like them. I also want to try (more) of Travis, Oasis, Pink Floyd, Radiohead and The Mars Volta. Just testing, eh? I like pianos, guitars and... thoughtful emotions, I suppose. :)
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| January 10, 2010 | 5:01 AM |
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2010: Not Swallowed In The Sea
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Resolutions for 2010
- be less angry
- be less cynical
- be present when communicating (too lost in my head, particularly during small talk)
- find healthy outlets for my feelings
- plan ahead, to make better use of time
- be assertive
- stop involuntarily losing weight (I keep skipping meals by accident)
Ok, fine, you want some concrete goals (I didn't actually do that well with last year's goals): - follow a healthy daily routine, e.g.
- get into bed by 10:30 p.m., which means I have to
- get home by 9 p.m. so that I can actually eat (technically, it should be 8:30 p.m., but I'll have a smaller meal), but that means, I have to
- get up at 6 a.m. to have enough hours in the day
- take up a new hobby that minimises interaction with people, i.e.
- get my driver's license (despite having no car, nor potential car in near future)
- follow a more disciplined exercise routine, e.g.
- at least 2 sessions/week to train for the full marathon
- at least one has to be a run (maybe the other can be at the gym)
- no Facebook at work
- I've actually blocked it (see tutorial)
- this goes alongside no video or audio (as it has always been!!!)
- headphones/iPod only while exercising, i.e.
- not for walking between uni and home
Basically, I think I use Facebook and my iPod as ways to drown/numb my feelings, with the side-effect being it also numbs my thoughts. So, I really should deal with my feelings some other way. I also think Fb saturates my brain with unnecessary information about people and things I don't care about.
Let's Reduce 2009 Into A Self-Reflective Summary =S
It's been varied and interesting. To be very honest, I found it overwhelming. Things about life, people, Science, me have been new and well, lots of it. I have tried to read to build some sense, but I sort of wish that someone would just explain to me what's going on.
I define friendship differently.
I know what it feels like to lose motivation and confidence. If you add desperation, it gets ugly. Now I know how powerful negative feelings are and how they can hijack my logic and working memory. Also, how hypersensitivity reduces my ability to learn/receive constructive criticism.
I think I define love a little differently.
A thing that kept me going was remembering that lots of people/society have put in a tremendous amount of time and money into raising me and funding lessons/experiences that have shaped me thus far. I have no excuse to not achieve or at least try.
It's like I have to learn not to sail into the wind. It's like that's all I've been doing. And I've been stalling.
So many times I thought I "got" something, but hadn't at all, e.g. (1) I thought I accepted that nothing is "perfect", but then I dismiss my data, my analytical method(s), my thinking; (2) I knew that the big picture, balance and variety are important for creativity and problem-solving and yet I get stuck in the minute details; (3) I thought I understood to not take criticism personally, but actually - how else do you take it? With sugar?. When did this chasm between knowing and doing form in me? But when will I know I understand anything, if I will never know how deep it can actually go? And because we could go on discovering/understanding forever, should I just buy into this _faith_ that I will one day understand _enough_?
Why is it that I spend so much time in (meta)^n-cognition instead of using my mind to deal with reality? Why, instead of playing the game, do I spend my time asking about the value and origin of the game at universal, societal and personal levels? But this is my game? Why do I even do this? How does it help propagate my genes, exactly? Why am I such an alien!!! A mediocre alien!
I wonder if anyone will ever know about all the other parts of me, my stories. Why have I never had a best friend? I don't know.
This blatant lack of structure and "summary" was pretty much what 2009 was. But at least the feelings come through. 2009: the year of feeling. Let it end.
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| January 1, 2010 | 6:01 AM |
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